Andy Maciejewski isn’t a man. He’s a force of nature. Trying to control him would be like trying to put a leash on a hurricane. You will fail.
There is much to learn from The Andy. Earning his respect has become an international symbol of achievement. If you want to earn this high honor, you better listen up.
First things first, you need to know exactly what kind of man you’re dealing with here.
The Andy eats so much he sweats. The Andy’s forehead has expanded into a five head. The Andy carries a leather purse thing and totally pulls it off. The Andy has laughed in a bear’s face, fought his way out of obvious traps, and held up large metal objects for long periods of time.
The Andy not only mastered the physical world, but he has also used his incredible mind to answer questions the common man would deem impossible.
The Andy knows how tall milk is. The Andy solved math for good. The Andy learned rocket science on YouTube.
The point is, The Andy is sort of a big deal. And earning his respect is an even bigger deal. Here’s how to impress The Andy and separate yourself from the basic humans.
Be brave like that girl from the movie Brave.
If there is one quality The Andy appreciates, it’s bravery. If you tremble in the face of incredible danger, then you are weak. You don’t have to shoot arrows from horseback and be a cartoon character to prove you’re brave. But you definitely have to do something, because right now, The Andy isn’t buying it.
Take down a drug smuggling ring, start a fight club, or rip out the heart of a dragon. Sadly, The Andy doesn’t have any specific criteria when it comes to judging bravery. Just go try some stuff and hope you don’t die.
Be brave. Impress The Andy.
Assert your dominance.
Establishing power is very important to The Andy. Making the people you encounter subtly realize that you are in charge is The Andy’s true artistic medium. But any idiot can wrestle someone into submission. The real craft is subconsciously asserting your dominance. It’s like subliminal messaging, except it’s not a commercial for Japanese toys - it’s a high-powered business meeting.
You’re probably wondering what asserting this type of control looks like. Here are some things you can try.
- Always walk out of a room last.
- Ignore whatever you want.
- Order for other people at restaurants.
- Make them pay the bill.
- Rearrange their office and admit it.
- Frame and display a photo of someone else’s mother in your office.
- Only end compliments with “I guess.”
Assert your power. Impress The Andy.
Eat dangerously spicy.
The Andy can handle anything. He has survived multiple plane crashes by not being on the planes themselves, and he made it past the emotional distress of Simon Cowell leaving American Idol. He’s like Beyonce: he’s a survivor. That’s why he loves spicy food so much. It separates the champions from everyone else.
Do you have what it takes to eat a ghost pepper dripping in habanero sauce seasoned with crushed red pepper and garnished with jalapenos?
The real test isn’t if you can eat the food; it’s if you can stand the heat.
Ruin your stomach. Impress The Andy.
Take vacations to shoot things.
Want to know where The Andy went last year for spring break? To Colorado. What did he bring back as a souvenir? A fully grown elk. Where’s he going this year? Nepal. What’s he bringing back? The Abominable Snowman … in a body bag.
Vacation isn’t for sitting around sipping Mai Tais and working on your sunburn. It’s about getting out there and showing you’re better than every animal on Earth. If all those animals lived in Michigan, The Andy would never leave the state, but sometimes you have to go where the yetis are, you know?
Travel to shoot things. Impress The Andy.
Look at what you’re wearing. I’ll give you a second … See my point? You look like that. That isn’t good enough. Buy yourself some threads that you’d feel comfortable wearing in front of your grandmother, if your grandmother was the ruler of the known universe.
And for your god-like grandmother’s sake, please make sure your belt and shoes match. Yes, you need a haircut, socks and sandals never work, watches go on your left wrist, and if you wear sunglasses inside, you better hope you’re faster than The Andy because he will strike you.
Look the part. Impress The Andy.
That's how to gain the respect of The Andy. Good luck.
Andy walked by while I was writing this. When I stopped him to ask for a quote, he looked at me for a long moment. Then without asking a single detail about this article, he said:
“Don’t sweat the petty stuff and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.”
Then he was gone.