YouTube is the overlord of online video content, the right arm of Google, and the 2nd most popular search engine in the world. So when it came to my attention that Kayla doesn’t partake the the wonders of YouTube, naturally, I was flabbergasted.
This obviously is an issue that required intense investigation and lots of far-fetched speculation.
Here’s how it all started.
A few of us were in casual conversation at the office, and somehow or another, a YouTube video was brought up. A couple of us had seen it, and when we turned to ask Kayla if she had as well, her response was a flat …
“I don’t go on YouTube.”
Have you ever been so thrown off by a comment that you can literally feel your brain trying to comprehend it?
This was one of those moments.
The intensely awkward silence that followed was filled with confused glances being shot from Reveler to Reveler. We were all blown away by this admission, and Kayla was blown away that we were blown away.
After seconds that seemed like years, I had to say something.
“Wait, what? You just don’t go on YouTube? Like at all?”
“Nope,” Kayla responded.
She then turned on her heel, walked back to her desk, and went back to work. After a couple of lingering seconds, the rest of the group did too. As I sat down and began to watch a video compilation of Ninja Warrior fails, I thought to myself: there has to be more to this story.
While everyone else let it go immediately and carried on with their lives - I couldn’t. I’ve seen too many Scooby-Doo episodes to let a juicy mystery go unsolved. So I silently vowed to get to the bottom of why Kayla doesn’t go on YouTube.
The first phase of the investigation was to determine whether or not Kayla was a liar. She doesn’t seem like a liar, but in Scooby-Doo, it’s always the person you don’t expect.
With the help of my co-workers, we orchestrated a series of elaborate diversions. I won’t get into detail, but let’s just say it involved booby traps, time-wasting conversations, loud noises, flashing lights, and physical obstacles.
That gave me the precious time I needed to hack into her computer and check her browser history. The hacking went pretty smoothly because she doesn’t have a password on her desktop. Once I was in, I feverishly checked her browser history. Now I know how Tom Cruise felt hanging from those wires in Mission Impossible.
And what I found was … NOTHING! So she was telling the truth after all.
The plot thickens.
Next, I asked around to see if avoiding YouTube was normal. Maybe I was the weird one?
I asked friends, coworkers, family, and Google; I even sent out a survey to entire world. Turns out, I was right: everyone goes on YouTube. In fact, over 1 billion people are on YouTube regularly. Which is basically everyone who has consistent Internet access.
Most people thought I was kidding. There’s seriously a person under 70 who doesn’t go on YouTube? They were just as offput as I was. This only gave me more motivation to continue my quest.
The plot thickens, again.
The next step was to get more background information on Kayla. Was there something dark in her past that was steering her away from YouTube? Maybe those straight-to-video, Olsen twin movies had scarred her for life? I had to talk to the person who knows more about Kayla’s childhood than anyone - I had to talk to her mom. To protect Kayla’s mom’s identity, we’ll refer to her as Mrs. Kayla.
After months of being denied access to police databases because I’m, quote, “not a police officer,” I finally searched LinkedIn and found Mrs. Kayla’s information instantly … then I felt stupid for not doing that in the first place.
We arranged a secret meeting in an undisclosed dark alley. Well, actually, it was a well-lit Starbucks, but for the sake of the story, it was a dark alley.
I won’t lie to you - I was nervous when I pulled up to the meeting. As I walked down the alley, I saw a dark figure standing in the shadows. My palms were sweaty, my heart was beating out of my chest, but I knew I couldn’t turn back now.
As I approached the figure, it turned to reveal itself. She was a woman dressed head to toe in black, smoking a cigar. That was super cool. She’s obviously done this before. The woman looked me in the eye, but it felt like she was looking straight into my soul. After a long pause and an expert drag from her cigar, the woman asked:
“Are you Drew?”
“Yes,” I replied nervously. “Are you Mrs. Kayla?”
“I am. What do you want to know about my little Kaywalla Bear?”
It took everything I had not to giggle at Kayla’s nickname, but this was not a time for chuckles; this was business. Well, not really, but you get it.
I explained the situation to Mrs. Kayla, and we talked for several hours about her childhood. And it all amounted to nothing. Apparently, Kayla had a very happy childhood filled with joy, laughter, love, and crap like that. I guess that’s good, but it didn’t help me.
The only odd bit of information was that Kayla liked to spend an enormous amount of time outside climbing trees, doing somersaults, and other miscellaneous frolicking. That stuck me as strange. I thought kids were supposed to stay inside, watch TV, play video games, and gain weight?
It was another dead end.
The plot thickens, yet again.
I had hit a wall. Nothing definitively explained why Kayla doesn’t go on YouTube. All that was left was to evaluate my research and try to piece together the clues.
I developed three highly-plausible theories that all may very well be the explanation to why Kayla doesn’t go on YouTube.
Theory 1 - She’s 71 years old.
My first theory is simple. Kayla is just way older than we all thought. We’ve already established that practically everyone under age 70 goes on YouTube, so that would make Kayla at least 71. I’ve truthfully never asked how old she is (because that’s rude). I was just assuming she was young because of the way she looks, but that’s ageist. Maybe she’s a senior citizen who just really kept herself together. If so, then bravo.
It adds up. Kayla really enjoys spending her time knitting, clipping coupons, quilting, yelling at neighborhood kids, and visiting the doctor every week.
Theory 2 - She’s the world’s most elusive cat burglar.
My second theory is that she lives a double life. During the day, she is a simple graphic designer. But at night, she is the world’s most elusive cat burglar - Kaywalla Bear. Maybe that wasn’t just an adorable pet nickname. Maybe Mrs. Kayla let her daughter’s alter-ego slip? Mrs. Kayla also mentioned how much she loved to climb trees and do somersaults. Was that innocent child’s play, or was it training?
If she is, in fact, 71 years old, then she could be responsible for this entire list of unsolved heists.
Each of these robberies only has one thing in common. In addition to the loot, all of the snacks were also stolen from each location. Makes sense for someone who’s known as a constant snacker, wouldn’t you agree?
Theory 3 - She’s a productive person.
The final and most out-there theory is that she’s actually using her time productively instead of watching cat videos and bootlegged concert footage. While this is a little far-fetched, it does make a certain amount of sense. Kayla does finish her work in a timely fashion and is always bringing in delicious baked treats for everyone at the office. Maybe all that time she’s not watching YouTube is spent getting things done. I know what you’re thinking, and I agree: it’s highly unlikely. That’s why it’s just a theory.
In the end, all of my efforts were for nothing. But rest assured, this case isn’t dead. I’ll keep fighting the good fight so that one day I will be able to definitively tell you why Kayla doesn’t go on YouTube.
By Drew Curi Copywriter + Private Eye